🕺🏻 From Self-Sabotage to Self-Management

I've always been curious about psychology, but it wasn't until I turned 33 that curiosity turned into necessity. I noticed repeating patterns in my behavior—patterns that drained my energy, sabotaged relationships, and fed an exhausting pursuit of perfectionism. These weren't minor annoyances; they were running my life. And I had no clue how to stop them.

For years, I lived with perfectionism rooted not in ambition but in fear. Fear of being exposed as not being good enough. Any critique—real or imagined—felt catastrophic. Any conflict brought an emotional meltdown. And a repeating loop in relationships: feeling misunderstood, withdrawing, blaming, and then isolating myself.

The breakthrough came when I discovered the concept of "toxic shame"—the deep-rooted belief that I'm fundamentally unworthy, that love and respect must be earned through relentless achievement. My mind had developed an invisible but powerful algorithm: "You're only lovable if you're perfect."

Books on toxic shame, like Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw, were super insightful but lacked practical steps. I became an expert in theory without knowing how to change anything. That changed when I stumbled upon Internal Family Systems (IFS)—a therapeutic method developed by Richard C. Schwartz in the 1980s. IFS views our minds as collections of "subpersonalities," each formed at different life stages, carrying distinct roles and emotions. It started for me when I read the book No Bad Parts by Schwartz.

At first, IFS sounded suspiciously spiritual and sometimes overly simplistic, reminding me of the Pixar film Inside Out. Yet, it also felt intuitive and surprisingly practical.

IFS categorizes subpersonalities (or parts) into three main roles:

• Managers: They prevent emotional pain by controlling your environment.

• Exiles: They hold painful emotions and past traumas.

• Firefighters: They react impulsively to extinguish emotional pain.

Then there's your Self—the core of your being, compassionate, wise, and stable, capable of managing your internal "family" effectively.

Through IFS, you map these internal parts, understand their roles, and begin dialogues to reassure them that you (your Self) can handle life without their extreme interventions.

Here's how this played out for me in relationships: I discovered these four parts and noticed how they interact with each other.

When I felt unsupported in my relationships, an insecure "Kid" (formed around age 11 during my parents’ turbulent divorce) would emerge, feeling abandoned and needy. Immediately, a second personality—a ruthless "Protector" formed in my early 20s—stepped in to defend the Kid by blaming and attacking anyone close to me, creating deep conflicts.

Next came the harsh "Drill Sergeant," disgusted by the Kid's vulnerability, enforcing strict discipline and isolation. Finally, exhausted, the "Self-Punisher" took over, soothing pain with alcohol, sweets, or hours of mindless YouTube scrolling. Each cycle ended with damaged relationships and profound emotional exhaustion.

With IFS, I started talking to these parts directly—yes, it felt odd initially. But it worked. I discovered my Protector still saw me as helpless, stuck in the past. By building trust with these subpersonalities, reassuring them of my Self's strength and maturity, I gently persuaded them to step back and allow healthier responses to emerge.

The framework for communicating with parts starts by giving them attention (sometimes that's enough), acknowledging their help, explaining why you can take care of yourself now, and finally assigning them new roles.

For example, I found a productive new role for my "Drill Sergeant": activating him when I have a demanding task and want to focus on it completely until it's done.

The beauty of IFS is its simplicity and practicality. No more abstract theories—just actionable insights and clear steps. It turned self-awareness into self-management, offering real solutions instead of endless analysis.

Until next Sunday,
George Levin
^{LinkedIn | Consulting}