🕺🏻 Can we achieve great results without self-loathing?

For most of my life, I believed that success demanded suffering. Discipline, strict rules, and relentless pushing—that’s what got results. “The work must be done! No matter how tired you are or how much you hate it,” whispered the inner critic in my head. I listened to it, and it worked. I built businesses, sold one, got in great shape, learned a lot, and pushed myself forward. But over time, I accumulated something else—tiredness and unhappiness.

Why am I always unhappy even when I achieve great results?

This was the first question in my three-year quest to uncover my subconscious narratives and beliefs.

The first major narrative I discovered was that I believed everything would collapse the second I paused, stopped grinding, and relaxed. The critic’s voice evaluated every step, judged me, pointed out what could be done better, and compared me to others.

My driving force wasn’t ambition—it was self-loathing. I wasn’t working hard because I loved it—I was working hard to silence my inner critic.

But no matter what I achieved, he was never satisfied. I postponed happiness and fulfillment until I reached the next milestone, only to realize that the milestone kept moving forward every time I reached it.

Who is this inner critic, and what does it want from me?

My inner critic turned out to be the voice of my toxic shame. Toxic shame is a deeply ingrained negative belief about oneself that often leads to feelings of worthlessness, self-rejection, and the belief that one must earn love by being "good enough." This belief fuels self-criticism, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and overachievement.

I discovered that my way of coping with toxic shame was through achieving more and more. Toxic shame is a brutal motivator. To silence it, I kept pushing. No wonder I wasn’t happy. I was fighting the effect, not the cause. And the cause was this deep sense of inadequacy.

Okay, so how do I change this and become more self-accepting?

This became my next big question. I started practicing self-acceptance—no more overworking, no more forcing. I began acknowledging my shortcomings and limitations. I stopped pushing myself through exhaustion. No more 7 AM calls. No more working late. No more going beyond my limits.

At first, it felt incredible: more sleep, more energy, more happiness. I thought I had found balance. But then, 12 months in, I noticed something: I had become soft.

I couldn't finish important tasks because I started feeling sorry for myself. Why should I push myself if I’m tired? I’d go for a walk, buy a cup of coffee, sit in the sun, and feel good. The work can wait. No surprise—things slowed down. Work progress stalled. My fitness declined. I was unhappy again.

Seeing progress is very important to me. So I kept digging and soon realized I had made a mistake.

I fell into self-indulgence

I had simply replaced one extreme with another, mistaking self-indulgence for self-acceptance. Instead of holding myself accountable for my mistakes or avoidance, I told myself it was okay. But self-acceptance shouldn’t be an excuse. If we use it to avoid discomfort and justify bad habits, it turns into self-indulgence—a shield against growth.

The biggest sign of self-indulgence is self-pity. If you don’t take full responsibility for your life and outcomes because you feel sorry for yourself, that’s not self-acceptance—it’s self-indulgence masquerading as self-care.

How to Be Self-Accepting Without Becoming Complacent

Real self-acceptance isn’t about letting yourself off the hook—it’s about seeing who you truly are and working with it. It starts with carefully observing your true intentions. I developed the habit of always asking myself: Why am I doing this? Where is this motivation coming from?

If I push myself because I want to escape my feelings or if I always keep my word because I’m afraid of feeling like a failure, it’s not productive—even if it leads to short-term results.

If I accept myself to avoid discomfort and stay in my comfort zone, that’s not productive either.

True self-acceptance isn’t about feeling good. It’s about feeling what happens inside without distortion. You may still feel angry, envious, irritated, or tired, but instead of fighting or numbing those feelings, you accept them and choose not to act on them.

Real Self-Acceptance is the Path to Great Results

I found that people with high self-acceptance are actually more accountable. They take responsibility for their mistakes and work to correct them. They also learn faster because they’re open to negative feedback and don’t push back on it out of insecurity.

You can easily spot a startup founder with high self-acceptance. When faced with criticism of their startup, they dig in and ask more questions. Why? Because they want their startup to succeed. If there’s a potential issue, they want to know about it and fix it.

On the contrary, founders with low self-acceptance immediately shut down negative feedback because it triggers their toxic shame.

Are you running from yourself or accepting who you are while working toward your vision?

The answer will determine whether you can achieve success without self-harm.

Until next Sunday,
George Levin
^{LinkedIn | Consulting}